Welcome back to Relationships At Work – A leadership podcast helping you build workplace connection, improve culture, and avoid blind spots. I’m your host Russel Lolacher

I’m a communications and leadership nerd with a couple of decades of experience and a heap of curiosity on how we can make the workplace better.

This mini-episode is a quick and valuable bit of information to help your mindset for the week ahead.

Inspired by our R@W Note Newsletter, I’m passing on to you…

Hurting Relationships with the Wrong Tone

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

I can’t stress how important that statement is for leaders. It doesn’t matter if it’s in an email, in a chat messenger or in front of a meeting, it’s vital. We can share all the right information, ask all the important questions, make all the impactful points… but if we don’t land the tone, we could be doing more harm than good.

The wrong tone can damage relationships. It can undermine our intent. It can leave a lasting impression and hurt our reputation. Are we being patronizing, caring, curious, helpful, defensive? What ever we’re trying to say or get others to do, wrapping our message up in the wrong tone can be harmful.

I remember seeing an exchange between two organizations. One was asking the other for information on a project. It was a colleague to colleague thing. No one reported to anyone. And once the information was provided, the email response from the requesting lead was one short sentence…

“Perfect, for now.”

I’m sure the intent was to illustrate that they received the information they wanted but they’d probably need to follow up in future if there was more needed. That’s not what was communicated. And I know, it seems like such a little thing. There may be some of you reading this wondering what’s wrong with it. Fair enough.

But in communication, it’s not about intent. It’s about how it’s received. That’s the relationship part. The leadership part.

What “Perfect, for now” actually communicated was, “Good. But probably not good enough. Be available whenever I need you for more information.” That’s a lot for 3 words. But it certainly set the table for the relationship going forward. Do you think there is going to be interest in helping further? Nope. Definitely not a request that’s going to make its way to the top of the response and to do pile.

As leaders, communication is one of the most vital skills we have.

The Question: How do we ensure we have the right tone in our communication?

The Action(s):

·       Consider the Audience and Context – Adapt your tone based on who you’re speaking to and the situation at hand. And in that, acknowledge your emotions—whether it’s excitement, concern, or urgency—so your message resonates as you want. This is not a one-size-fits-all kinda thing; adjust your style for different teams, stakeholders, or moments.

·       Balance Clarity with Empathy – Be direct but not harsh. Clarity ensures understanding, while empathy ensures connection. Remember to use words that align with your intent, avoiding passive-aggressiveness, condescension, or ambiguity. Make sure to check if your tone is in support of psychological safety, making people feel valued and heard. When it comes to emails, review it before pressing send.

·       Seek Feedback and Self-Reflect – once it’s out into the world, ask for honest feedback colleagues you trust about how your tone is perceived. Beef up those self-awareness skills by recording any presentations or reviewing your written communication to identify unintended misinterpretations. Take a moment to watch for reactions in real time—body language, engagement levels… and follow-up questions can indicate if your tone is landing well because people are engaged.

Tone has to be intentional. It has to be part of the package whenever we communicate with others, because it’s a key ingredient to connection. Whether we’re trying to make one or unintentionally break one.

And the funny thing is, if you get the tone right – it’s not noticed. It just demonstrates strong communication and ensures your message connects. So the next time you’re about to communicate, in writing or through your voice, consider what you’re trying to convey, and work to make sure your tone supports it. It’s the effort of a good leader.